Memories From Her Granddaughter, Clare Luce Abbey

By Clare Luce Abbey

She was known for her brilliant wit and oratory but I don't know if people know that she was also a truly great listener. When those beautiful eyes focused on you, even if you were in the middle of a crowded room, you were the only person there. She listened ever so carefully to everything you said and how you said it. She was very perceptive about people and gave me invaluable advice about family and friends. We had many solitary hours together. Long airplane rides were particularly good for in-depth conversations. Although we rarely disagreed, we agreed to disagree agreeably (her phrase). She respected my opinion even when I was being naive or narrow minded about a particular subject. She remembered all that I said and as my thoughts or opinions evolved over time, she would gently remind me where I started on an issue. In intellectual pursuits, she was never judgmental. (Judgement was saved for my choice of clothing or boyfriends!) She was in this way as much a friend as a grandparent.

One thing that often bothers me in terms of how she is remembered is the belief that she was a "feminist." In the original definition of the word she was, but she did not completely identify with the feminists of the sixties and seventies. She believed in a woman's right to pursue any career and resented the attitude that women's minds were in some way inferior to that of men's. She believed in equal pay for equal work and other logical and fair notions that were the foundation of the original women's movement. Where she would part company with the feminists of today is the idea that equality must enter every aspect of life. She believed that femininity and chivalry were something to respect, not ridicule. The idea that a man was belittling a woman by opening a door for her was ludicrous to her. Perhaps to the feminists of today, such beliefs are contradictory, but she didn't see anything wrong with traditional, and in her mind, respectful, behavior in relationships between men and women, while at the same time believing in certain aspects of equality. She possessed a razor sharp mind and a cutting wit but she was always a lady. She was not an extremist in her beliefs. She took a sensible, logical position on "women's rights," always wanting women to use their minds and earn the same respect (and money!) as men for their intellectual abilities. A "feminazi," she was NOT . . . but she would have appreciated the clever word.

The most dominant (and fondest!) memory of CBL will always be that we laughed and laughed together. She would sometimes whisper something hilarious in my ear at the most inopportune moment . . . and there I'd be struggling to keep my composure. What she actually said was pertinent to the situation or moment but does not bear repeating. (You had to be there.) Sometimes all it took was a look and I would dissolve in laughter. We had one of those relationships where "mind reading" wasn't unusual.

I am planning a visit in April to Mepkin Abbey where CBL is buried next to my grandfather. It's a birthday present to myself and in a way, to them, as we were all born at the beginning of April. It will be ten years this October [1997] that CBL left us.

I miss her as much today as I did ten years ago.